Season 1
Leonard: Our children will be smart and beautiful!
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
1x01 - Pilot
Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.
1x01 - Pilot
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
1x05 - The Hamburger Postulate
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.
1x07 - The Dumpling Paradox
[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
Penny: [holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little bit slutty.
Leonard: [excited] You didn't!?
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.
1x08 - The Grasshopper Experiment
Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens if I blow it?
Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
1x17 - The Tangerine Factor
Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: OK, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.
2x02 - The Codpiece Topology
Raj: We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
2x07- The Panty Piñata Polarization
Leonard: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon: That's insane on the face of it.
2x13 - The Friendship Algorithm
Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.
2x13 - The Friendship Algorithm
Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.
2x18 - The Work Song Nanocluster
Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
2x22 - The Classified Materials Turbulence
Season 3
Raj: I like the new look
Howard: Thanks.....I call it the Clooney
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi but whatever
3x01 - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation
Sheldon (to his mom): But, evolution is not opinion, it's a fact!
Sheldon's mom: And that is your opinion!
Sheldon (to Leonard, Howard and Raj): I forgive you, let's go home.
3x01 - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation
Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.
3x02 - The Jiminy Conjecture
Penny: I give up. He's impossible!
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist! I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.
3x03 - The Gothowitz Deviation
*Sheldon is about to knock on Penny's bathroom door*
Penny: Don't you dare knock!
3x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency
Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
3x11 - The Maternal Congruence
Leonard: What would you do if you were me?
Wolowitz: I would take Sheldon to Switzerland!
Leonard: Really?
Wolowitz: Yes, and I'd leave him there!
3x15 - The Large Hadron Collision
Wil Wheaton: Embrace the dark side!
Sheldon: That's not even from your franchise!
3x19 - The Wheaton Recurrence
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
3x23 - The Lunar Excitation
Season 4
Penny: Can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Given your community-college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.
Penny: ...yeah. Well, my question is - and I'm pretty sure I know the answer - is this your first date?
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus 4th of July Hoedown count as a date?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then this is my first date.
4x01 - The Robotic Manipulation
Leonard: What about you, Stuart? Do you have a girlfriend yet?
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I met her at Comic-con. The one place in the world where saying, "I own a comic book store", is an actual pick-up line.
Leonard: Oh, well, good for you.
Stuart: Not really, she's horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts, "Who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?" Leonard:Why don't you just break up with her.
Stuart: Heh, no, I can't.
Leonard: Why not?
Stuart: Because then I'd be alone. Like you.
4x05 - The Desperation Emanation
Sheldon: You know, in difficult times like this, I often turn to a force stronger than myself. Amy: Religion?
Sheldon: Star Trek.
4x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis
Penny: Are you saying that Amy is... Oh, what's the scientific word...
Sheldon: Forget science: she's horny.
4x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis
Sheldon: (Knocking at Penny's door) Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny!
Penny: What are you doing Sheldon?! Sheldon: I'm the Flash, I just knocked 30 thousand times.
4x11 - The Justice League Recombination
Amy: Well, granted Penny your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows!
4x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation
Penny: What do you mean 'new roommate'? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: Same thing that happened to 'Homo Erectus'. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I'm the new homo in town...
4x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification
Season 5
Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door. I wish I can tell my thirteen year old self it does get better.
5x01 - The Skank Reflex Analysis
Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.
5x01 The Skank Reflex Analysis
Penny: (Answering the door to Sheldon) What's up, buttercup?
Penny: (Answering the door again) What's the word, hummingbird?
Penny: (And again) What's the gist, physicist?
5x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis
Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment.
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn't forget. Um, there's this cat in a box and until you open it, it's either dead or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother's camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You're the whole package, aren't you?
5x05 - The Russion Rocket Reaction
Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
5x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion
(Sheldon knocks on Penny's door three times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knocks 3 times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knocks 3 times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
5x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition
Amy: I'll let you in on a little secret. Originally, we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
Penny: Yeah, good call.
Amy: But, if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
Penny: You're talking about the painting, right?
Amy: Sure.
5x17 - The Rothman Disintegration
Leonard: We'll miss you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets, battling made up monsters? That's for babies.
Howard: Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.
Sheldon: Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!
5x19 - The Weekend Vortex
Sheldon: I assume we're talking about you now?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: So that's how this works, I complain and then you complain and no one offers any solutions?
Leonard: Pretty much.
Sheldon: Well no wonder the women are winning.
5x23 - The Launch Acceleration
Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: I should hope so, that's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy: I'll take it.
6x01 - The Date Night Variable
Penny: I'm just a blond monkey to you.
6x03 The Higgs Boson Observation
Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Amy? (knock knock knock) Amy? (knock knock knock) Angry Amy?
6x07 - The Habitation Configuration
Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books? Leonard: No, that can't be right.
Howard: Maybe "Thor's Hammer" is a new color of nail polish.
6x13 - The Bakersfield Expedition
Sheldon: Might as well Google it.
Wolowitz: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon: "How do I get 12 year old girls excited?"
Wolowitz/Leonard: NO!
6x18 - The Contractual Obligation Implementation
Sheldon: No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
6x21 - The Closure Alternative
Penny: Oh gosh, Sheldon, the genius, is jealous of Leonard.
Sheldon: I'm not jealous. I'm just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.
6x24 - The Bon Voyage reaction
Season 7
Raj: If I were hitting on you, you would know it because you would be feeling uncomfortable and a little sad for me.
7x01 - The Hofstadter Insufficiency
Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants. Penny: Okay, that's a good start. But I was thinking something a bit more personal. Sheldon: Oh, okay ... I own nine pairs of underpants.
7x01 - The Hofstadter Insufficiency
Sheldon: That's curious. If there's no one here, why aret here two glasses of wine on the table? Penny: Oh, well you know. I've got two hands and a bit of a drinking prolbem. Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question.
7x02 - The Deception Verification
Leonard: Sheldon, I've known you a long time. I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy's right, you're wrong.
Sheldon: But you don't even know -
Leonard: It doesn't matter.
Sheldon: But in my defence -
Leonard: Doesn't matter!
7x05 - The Workplace Proximity
Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this. But the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim.
*Amy and Bernadette look puzzled by Penny's knowledge*
Penny: That's right, my phone is just as smart as you guys!
7x05 - The Workplace Proximity
Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids.
Zack: Are you sure? 'cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.
7x09 - The Thanksgiving Decoupling
Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.
Leonard: No, you're on vacation.
Sheldon: Please! What if there's a big break through in science today and I'm not there to see it?
Leonard: You really think there's going to be a breakthrough without you to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.
7x13 - The Occupation Recalibration
More quotes to come in new episodes :-)
Leonard: Look, if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard....
Leonard: No, no, no, I take it back, don't say it. Just hate me but stay with me. It worked for my parents. - See more at: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/the-big-bang-theory/#sthash.cwmqo1sW.dpuf
Penny: Leonard....
Leonard: No, no, no, I take it back, don't say it. Just hate me but stay with me. It worked for my parents. - See more at: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/the-big-bang-theory/#sthash.cwmqo1sW.dpuf
For more amazing quotes, please take a look at some of these sites or follow them on twitter ;-)
http://the-big-bang-theory.com/quotes/
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory
http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/the-big-bang-theory/
http://tvcomedies.about.com/od/funstuff/a/Best-Big-Bang-Theory-Quotes.htm
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