Of course sitcoms are all about the jokes and the funny. So until now I haven't used them in my awesomeness of quotes series. But some sitcoms are just too funny not to deserve a place in this list. This blog centers on the sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Because the show is already in its eighth season, I won't be using quotes from every single episode. I'll just give you a list of a couple of good ones I like ;-).
Of course I have to start with:
1x01 - Pilot
Future Ted: "Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother."
Ted's Son: "Are we being punished or something?"
Future Ted: "No."
Ted's Daughter: "Dad, is this gonna take a while?"
Future Ted: "Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life…"
1x02 - Purple Giraffe
Lily: "Hey. I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like... my shirt. Kinda don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, that's right, I'm not wearing any."
Marshall [stops working and looks at Lily]: " No underwear?"
Lily: "Not even slightly."
(Camera pans to show Ted is in the room)
Ted: "Guys... BOUNDARIES!"
1x12 - The Wedding
Marshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal wedding
Marshall: "Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it."
Lily: "But I'm the bride. So, I win."
Marshall: "But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together."
Lily: "Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win."
Sandy Rivers: "We should have sex."
Rivers: "Why not? We’re both available, we’re both attractive, we’re both good at it. At least I’m good at it, and even if you’re not, don’t worry. I’ll have a good time either way."
Robin: "Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I don’t get involved with people I work with."
Rivers: "Get involved? Who said get involved? I'm just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun! (he gives her his card and their news show starts) Phone number, call me anytime. (starts reads teleprompter) A lot of teams in action tonight..."
Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance
Penelope: "Why the hell should I help you?"
Barney: "Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship."
Penelope: "We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?"
Penelope (loudly): "Barney, there is no way I'm-" (student shushes her)
Barney: "Seriously, come on."
Ted: "Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend."
Ted: "There's this girl-"
Penelope: "Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid."
Ted: "But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!"
Penelope: "This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?"
Penelope: "Kinda like Barney?"
Penelope: "You hit on my mom!"
Barney: "We weren't exclusive!"
Penelope (to Ted): "I'm in."
2x02 - The Scorpion and the Toad
Ted: "Five bucks says she still wants Marshall."
Robin: "You're on."
Ted: "Five American bucks."
Robin: "Damn it!"
2x05 - World's Greatest Couple
Lily: "Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV."
Barney: "See that wall? (turns on TV) 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!"
Lily: "It hurts my eyes..."
Barney: "Yeah, that doesn't go away."
2x15 - Lucky Penny
Barney (talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale): "I can’t go, I’ve got this thing…"
Lily: "What thing?"
Barney: "...a penis."
2x20 - Showdown
Robin (Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress): "Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!"
Lily: "I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! (She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down) I'm too skinny for my dress!!"
2x21 - Something Borrowed
Ted: "Dude, you shaved your fricking head!"
Marshall: "Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- (looks in mirror) Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?"
Marshall: "You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!"
Marshall (after Lily sees his hair, she walks toward the gardner and asks him his hat and puts in on Marshalls hair, covering the bald area): "Hat! We thought of authentic Native American headdress before we thought of hat!"
2x22 - Something Blue
Lily: "We should come up with a whole new last name."
Marshall: "Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker."
Lily: "Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff."
Marshall: "Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?"
3x04 - Little Boys
Robin: "What's my 'but'? You know, I'm really nice, but..."
Ted (voiceover): "But she's afraid of commitment."
Lily (voiceover): "But she's a gun nut."
Barney (voiceover): "But she's... Canadian."
Marshall (voiceover): B"ut she doesn't like Field of Dreams."
All: "I can't think of anything.
3x07 - Dowisetrepla
Marshall: "Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!"
Lily: "... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby."
3x14 - The Bracket
Barney: "There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves."
Robin: "Of course there are."
Barney: "Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch."
Lily: "You can not be more evil."
Barney: "Sorry five. Recently widowed."
3x19 - Everything Must Go
Abby: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Abby: "You're thinking about having sex with Ted?"
4x07 - Not A Father's Day
Barney: "Marshall, great news - I'm not a father."
Marshall: "Congratulations, buddy."
Barney: "I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as 'Not A Father's Day'!"
Marshall: "Wow, you're creating a holiday."
Barney: "Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?"
Marshall: "Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day."
4x14 - The Possimpible
(The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1)
Lily: "Wow. You had more fans than I thought."
Ted: "And only about 60% of them are prison inmates."
Robin: "What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore."
4x16 - Sorry, Bro
Ted: "I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?"
Marshall: "No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark."
Lily: "I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list."
4x18 - Old King Clancy
Marshall: "If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart."
Lily: "Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman."
5x06 - Bagpipes
Future Ted: "In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes." (Current Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears)
Robin: "Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping."
Ted: "I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into."
Robin: "She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park."
Ted (to neighbors): "You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!"
5x07 - The Rough Patch
Lily: "So, what did you guys do last last night?"
Robin: "Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie."
Barney: "It was legen—wait for it—ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! (shrugs) It was OK."
5x15 - Rabbit or Duck
Marshall: "You want us to arrange your marriage?"
Ted: "Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside."
Marshall: "You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' (Pause) Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!"
Marshall: "Teddy Westside? Continue!"
Ted: "It’s the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!"
6x01 - Big Days
Lily is caught by surprise that Marshall's parents will be staying with them during their baby's first three months
Lily: "You know what, Marshall, why don't you have a baby with your Dad?"
Marshall: "Oh okay, Lily. Why don't you have a baby with your butt?"
Marshall: "AAARGH! [stands up] I can't think straight! Why do you have to wear that shirt? [referring to Lily's shirt showing much cleavage] This is NOT HOW I THOUGHT THIS NIGHT WAS GOING TO GO!"
6x06 - Baby Talk
Robin: "Hey. Uhm, when we were dating, did - did I make you feel needed?"
Barney: "No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all."
Robin [sighs]: "That's what I thought. Uh, I'm sorry." [turns to leave]
Barney: "Wait, where are you g- that's a compliment! You're the least needy woman I've ever met. That's awesome! No guy's gonna say "Who's your daddy?" to Robin Scherbatsky; you're your own daddy. And mommy. And weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged."
6x10 - Blitzgiving
Ted: "Lily, do you have any idea how many people I blindly hated for you?! I hated Renée Zellweger with a burning passion for eight years only to discover you meant Reese Witherspoon!"
Lily: "Hey! I will hate her until I will get my money back for You, Me and Dupree!"
Ted: "THAT'S KATE HUDSON!"
Lily: "Oh yeah…That's who I hate. [to the others] Guys, we hate Kate Hudson."
6x13 - Bad News
[Robin is introduced to World Wide News' anchor, who is very familiar]
WWN Employee: "Robin, this is - "
Sandy Rivers: "Robin!"
WWN Employee: "You two know each other?"
Rivers: "Know each other? We've had sex!" [employees are aghast]
6x21 - Hopeless
[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Barney: "Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong…"
Marshall: "Uhm, those places shut down a long time ago."
Barney: "Oh no."
Marshall: "Oh No shut down too."
Ted: "There's Where."
Jerry: "Where's Where?"
Lily: "Where's where Was was, isn't it?"
Barney: "No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?"
Ted: "Not Okay. That place is lame."
Robin: "Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?"
Marshall: "That's wrong. That's Not Wrong."
Barney: "Guys, focus."
Robin: "Oh, I like Focus, let's go there."
Robin: "Not Where, Focus."
Lily: "I thought Focus was closed."
Barney: "No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed."
Marshall: "So Closed is open."
Robin: "No, Closed is closed."
Jerry: "I don't know. Third base, right?!"
Robin: "Ew, Third Base is all frat guys."
Lily: "I'll go any place, okay?"
Ted: "Not Okay. Okay is lame."
Robin: "Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar."
Lily: "Guys, shut up."
Barney: "No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore."
Marshall: "Guys, just pick a club, okay?"
Ted: "Not Okay!"
All: "Okay is Lame! Gay bar!"
Marshall: "For the record, uhm, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé."
Barney: "It's Hopeless, isn't it?"
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]
7x03 - Duck Tie
Ted: "Oh, guess who I ran into (at the Architect's Ball). A girl from my past. Any guesses?"
Lily: "The girl who beat you up."
Barney: "The girl who ruined a photo with Slash!"
Marshall: "The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo?"
Ted: "You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels."
[Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers]
Lily: "AHHHH, I can't go through with this!"
Marshall: "Thank God, me neither."
Lily: "You're too much like my dad."
Marshall: You're too much like my dad!"
Lily: "Your dad??"
7x09 - Disaster Averted
Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie
Lily: "Don't let him tempt you, baby."
Marshall: "I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy."
7x15 - The Burning Beekeeper
Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills
Robin: "I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, 'Never give up. Never surrender'."
Ted: "That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest."
Barney: "And now to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss."
Barney: "The two ladies will kiss!"
(Robin and Lily kiss and Robin tries to pull away, but Lily keeps kissing her)
Robin: "Uh, Lily."
Barney: "And now the gentlemen..."
Barney: "And now the gentlemen! (Marshall and Ted kiss) I was going to say 'And now the gentlemen bump fists.' How long you been holding back that one?"
7x23/24 - The Magicians Code
(Marshall finally appears in Lily's room as baby is about to be delivered)
Marshall: "In return for him getting me here, I may have promised Barney that our son's middle name will be - wait for it -"
Lily: "I can't wait. What is the name?"
Marshall: "The name is Wait For It."
Lily (screams while pushing): "AAGHH....THAT IS THE COOLEST MIDDLE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!"
Season 8 (until episode 8x17)
8x03 - Nannies
[Barney is ready to get back on the market at MacLaren's]
Barney: "Welcome to Bangtoberfest! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, (shoots T-shirt roll at Ted) I'm back! Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt, I'm single again! (continues shooting rolls; one hits woman) Sorry about your eye, I'm available!"
Ted (reads shirt message): "Bangtoberfest. This time it's really not personal."
Robin: "Barney, you went through some really emotional stuff. You need to give yourself some time to heal."
Barney: "Robin I spent seven grand on merch. This is happening (puts cap on Robin's head).
8x05 - The Autumn of Breakups
[Barney chances upon Robin and Nick at the bar]
Barney: "Guys, I got a new bro. A bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. Haa!! He buries bones all day. Whooops!!! No one chases tail like him. Oooow!! Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh I should have let you on this - he's a dog! (points to bar, where a number of women adore a dog) I call him... 'Brover'. I'll go - owww! - fetch him."
8x08 - Twelve Horny Women
[in claiming that she was a bad-ass, Lily recounts how she met Scooter during a stroll]
Lily (sees Scooter): "You look okay. Wanna hang out?"
Scooter: "My mom says I can only have three friends, so -"
Lily: "Mom don't make the rules no more, Scooter."
Scooter: "My name is Geoff."
Lily: "Not anymore it ain't (crushes Scooter's drink can)."
8x17 - The Ashtray
Ted asks Barney why he always inserts himself into any historical situations
Barney: "Because crazy stories are my thing. You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually, you all have a passion that drives you! Well, I have a passion, it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore."