The Awesomeness of quotes pt 14

One of the shows I love and have been watching since the start is The Big Bang Theory. It's a sitcom about four 'nerds' and one beautiful blond that lives across the hall from them. It's already in it's seven season so a lot has happend. Obviously that also means that there too many great quotes from this show to put up here. But... here are just a couple of the ones I really like. Not listed per episode, but just a couple per season with the episode from which it originated named next to it. Enjoy!

Season 1
Leonard: Our children will be smart and beautiful!
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
1x01 - Pilot

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.
1x01 - Pilot

Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
1x05 - The Hamburger Postulate

Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.
1x07 - The Dumpling Paradox

[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
Penny: [holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little bit slutty.
Leonard: [excited] You didn't!?
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.
1x08 - The Grasshopper Experiment

Leonard: Sheldon, this date is probably my one chance with Penny. What happens if I blow it?
Sheldon: Well, if we accept your premise, and also accept the highly improbable assumption that Penny is the only woman in the world for you, then we can logically conclude that the result of blowing it would be that you end up a lonely, bitter old man with no progeny. The image of any number of evil lighthouse keepers from Scooby-Doo cartoons comes to mind.
1x17 - The Tangerine Factor

Season 2

Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.
Penny: Your archenemy?
Sheldon: Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: OK, I get it, I get it...
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many super villains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.
2x02 - The Codpiece Topology

Raj: We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View—registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
2x07- The Panty Piñata Polarization

Leonard: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon: That's insane on the face of it. 
2x13 - The Friendship Algorithm

Penny: What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
Leonard: I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Penny: Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.
2x13 - The Friendship Algorithm

Sheldon: I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: [after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.
2x18 - The Work Song Nanocluster

Stuart: Sheldon, here is the new edition of Hellboy. It's mind blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Spoiler alert!
Stuart: What?
Sheldon: You told me "it's mind blowing". So my mind goes into it "pre-blown". Once your mind is "pre-blown", it cannot be "re-blown".
2x22 - The Classified Materials Turbulence

Season 3

Raj: I like the new look  
Howard: Thanks.....I call it the Clooney
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi but whatever
3x01 - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

Sheldon (to his mom): But, evolution is not opinion, it's a fact!  
Sheldon's mom: And that is your opinion!  
Sheldon (to Leonard, Howard and Raj): I forgive you, let's go home.
3x01 - The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

Sheldon: I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.
3x02 - The Jiminy Conjecture

Penny: I give up. He's impossible!
Sheldon: I can't be impossible; I exist! I think what you meant to say is, 'I give up; he's improbable'.
3x03 - The Gothowitz Deviation

*Sheldon is about to knock on Penny's bathroom door*  
Penny: Don't you dare knock!
3x08 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency

Sheldon: I made tea.  
Leonard: I don't want tea.  
Sheldon: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea. 
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?  
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.  
Leonard: That's a lousy conversation starter.  
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
3x11 - The Maternal Congruence

Leonard: What would you do if you were me?  
Wolowitz: I would take Sheldon to Switzerland!  
Leonard: Really?  
Wolowitz: Yes, and I'd leave him there!
3x15 - The Large Hadron Collision

Wil Wheaton: Embrace the dark side!  
Sheldon: That's not even from your franchise!
3x19 - The Wheaton Recurrence

Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.  
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
3x23 - The Lunar Excitation

 
Season 4

Penny: Can I ask you a question?  
Sheldon: Given your community-college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.  
Penny: ...yeah. Well, my question is - and I'm pretty sure I know the answer - is this your first date?  
Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus 4th of July Hoedown count as a date?  
Penny: No.  
Sheldon: Then this is my first date.
4x01 - The Robotic Manipulation

Leonard: What about you, Stuart? Do you have a girlfriend yet?  
Stuart: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I met her at Comic-con. The one place in the world where saying, "I own a comic book store", is an actual pick-up line.  
Leonard: Oh, well, good for you.  
Stuart: Not really, she's horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her plus-size Wonder Woman costume and shouts, "Who wants to take a ride in my invisible plane?" Leonard:Why don't you just break up with her.  
Stuart: Heh, no, I can't.  
Leonard: Why not?  
Stuart: Because then I'd be alone. Like you.
4x05 - The Desperation Emanation 

Sheldon: You know, in difficult times like this, I often turn to a force stronger than myself. Amy: Religion?
Sheldon: Star Trek.
4x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Penny: Are you saying that Amy is... Oh, what's the scientific word...  
Sheldon: Forget science: she's horny.
4x10 - The Alien Parasite Hypothesis

Sheldon: (Knocking at Penny's door) Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny! Penny!  
Penny: What are you doing Sheldon?! Sheldon: I'm the Flash, I just knocked 30 thousand times.
4x11 - The Justice League Recombination

Amy: Well, granted Penny your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows!
4x16 - The Cohabitation Formulation

Penny: What do you mean 'new roommate'? What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: Same thing that happened to 'Homo Erectus'. He was replaced by a superior species.  
Raj: I'm the new homo in town...
4x24 - The Roommate Transmogrification

Season 5

Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door. I wish I can tell my thirteen year old self it does get better. 

5x01 - The Skank Reflex Analysis

Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing. 
5x01 The Skank Reflex Analysis 

Penny: (Answering the door to Sheldon) What's up, buttercup?
Penny: (Answering the door again) What's the word, hummingbird?
Penny: (And again) What's the gist, physicist? 
 5x02 - The Infestation Hypothesis 

Penny: Wait, what is going on?
Sheldon: In case you have forgotten, Schrodinger's cat is a thought experiment.
Penny: No, no, no, no, I didn't forget. Um, there's this cat in a box and until you open it, it's either dead or alive or both. Although, back in Nebraska, our cat got stuck in my brother's camp trunk, and we did not need to open it to know there was all kinds of dead cat in there.
Amy: Homespun stories, knowledge of physics and a bosom that defies it. You're the whole package, aren't you? 
5x05 - The Russion Rocket Reaction

Raj: Come on, Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again. 
5x09 - The Ornithophobia Diffusion 

(Sheldon knocks on Penny's door three times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knocks 3 times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny. (Knocks 3 times)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny.
5x10 - The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition

Amy: I'll let you in on a little secret. Originally, we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
Penny: Yeah, good call.
Amy: But, if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
Penny: You're talking about the painting, right?
Amy: Sure.
5x17 - The Rothman Disintegration

Leonard: We'll miss you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, who wants to spend the whole weekend, running around a bunch of pretend planets, battling made up monsters? That's for babies.
Howard: Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.
Sheldon: Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!
5x19 - The Weekend Vortex

Sheldon: I assume we're talking about you now?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: So that's how this works, I complain and then you complain and no one offers any solutions?
Leonard: Pretty much.
Sheldon: Well no wonder the women are winning.
5x23 - The Launch Acceleration
 

Season 6

Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.  
Sheldon: All right. Please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.  
Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.  
Sheldon: I should hope so, that's from the first Spider-Man movie.  
Amy: I'll take it.
6x01 - The Date Night Variable

Penny: I'm just a blond monkey to you.
6x03 The Higgs Boson Observation

Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Amy? (knock knock knock) Amy? (knock knock knock) Angry Amy?
6x07 - The Habitation Configuration

Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books? Leonard: No, that can't be right. 
Howard: Maybe "Thor's Hammer" is a new color of nail polish.
6x13 - The Bakersfield Expedition

Sheldon: Might as well Google it.  
Wolowitz: What exactly are you looking up?  
Sheldon: "How do I get 12 year old girls excited?"  
Wolowitz/Leonard: NO!
6x18 - The Contractual Obligation Implementation

Sheldon: No. They can’t just cancel a show like Alphas. You know? They have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
6x21 - The Closure Alternative

Penny: Oh gosh, Sheldon, the genius, is jealous of Leonard.  
Sheldon: I'm not jealous. I'm just very unhappy that good things are happening for him and not happening for me.
6x24 - The Bon Voyage reaction

Season 7

Raj: If I were hitting on you, you would know it because you would be feeling uncomfortable and a little sad for me.
7x01 - The Hofstadter Insufficiency

Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants. Penny: Okay, that's a good start. But I was thinking something a bit more personal. Sheldon: Oh, okay ... I own nine pairs of underpants.
7x01 - The Hofstadter Insufficiency

Sheldon: That's curious. If there's no one here, why aret here two glasses of wine on the table? Penny: Oh, well you know. I've got two hands and a bit of a drinking prolbem. Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question.
7x02 - The Deception Verification

Leonard: Sheldon, I've known you a long time. I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster. Amy's right, you're wrong.
Sheldon: But you don't even know -
Leonard: It doesn't matter.
Sheldon: But in my defence -
Leonard: Doesn't matter!
7x05 - The Workplace Proximity

 Penny: You know, not a lot of people know this. But the monoamine oxidase enzyme was discovered by a woman, Mary Bernheim.
*Amy and Bernadette look puzzled by Penny's knowledge*
Penny: That's right, my phone is just as smart as you guys!
7x05 - The Workplace Proximity

Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids.
Zack: Are you sure? 'cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.
7x09 - The Thanksgiving Decoupling

Sheldon: Come on, take me to work with you.
Leonard: No, you're on vacation.
Sheldon: Please! What if there's a big break through in science today and I'm not there to see it?
Leonard: You really think there's going to be a breakthrough without you to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.
7x13 - The Occupation Recalibration

More quotes to come in new episodes :-)

Leonard: Look, if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard....
Leonard: No, no, no, I take it back, don't say it. Just hate me but stay with me. It worked for my parents. - See more at: http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/the-big-bang-theory/#sthash.cwmqo1sW.dpuf

For more amazing quotes, please take a look at some of these sites or follow them on twitter ;-)

http://the-big-bang-theory.com/quotes/
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Big_Bang_Theory
http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/shows/the-big-bang-theory/
http://tvcomedies.about.com/od/funstuff/a/Best-Big-Bang-Theory-Quotes.htm

The awesomeness of quotes pt 13

I know it's been a while since I've done a Awesomeness of quotes page lately and I also found out that Firefly hasn't been done yet. So it's about time! Firefly is the shortlived scifi television series which stars Nathan Fillion, Alan Tudyk, Gina Torres, Summer Glau, Sean Maher, Morena Baccarin, Jewel Staite, Adam Baldwin and many more. When Joss Whedon and Tim Minear created it for Fox, Fox totally screwed it up by airing out of chronological order. But even though there were some problems, the show gathered an amazing and dedicated fanbase called the Browncoats and the show - after being cancelled after thirteen episodes - got a movie sequel to tie up loose ends. Withour further ado, I give you their awesomeness of quotes from both show and movie!

BTW's: Nathan Fillion will forever and always be The Captain ;-) 1x01 - Serenity
Mal: We're not gonna die. We can't die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so very pretty. We are just too pretty for God to let us die."

Mal: "I don't believe there is a power in the verse that can stop Kaylee from being cheerful."

Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail."

1x02 - The Train Job
[Mal is insisting on continuing the job, despite the train car full of Alliance soldiers] 
Mal: "Hell, this job I would pull for free."
Zoe: "Then can I have your share?"
Mal: "No!"
Zoe: "If you die can I have your share?"
Mal: "Yes."

1x03 - Bushwhacked
Zoe: "Proximity alert. Must be coming up on something."
Wash: "[alarmed] Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing!? [deadpan] Oh right, that would be me. Back to work."

Harken: "Seems odd you'd name your ship after a battle you were on the wrong side of."
Mal: "May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."
1x04 - Shindig
Zoe: "Planet's coming up a mite fast."
Wash: "That's just 'cause— I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all."
[As the ship begins to shake, Mal calmly leaves.]
Mal: "Well, that happens, let me know."

[Badger notices River wandering into the cargo bay]
Badger: "Who's that, then? Here, look at me. What's your story, love?"
Simon: "She's just a... just a passenger."
Badger: "Yeah? Why ain't she talkin'? Got a secret?"
Simon: "No, I'm—"
River: [suddenly speaking in Badger's own Cockney accent] "Sure. I got a secret. More'n one. Don't seem like I'd tell 'em to you, now, do it? Anyone off Dyton colony knows better'n to talk to strangers. [pokes Badger in the chest] You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, ain't ya? I've met a dozen like you. Skipped off home early. Minor grift jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. And you're what? A petty thief with delusions o' standing? Sad little king of a sad little hill."
Badger: "Nice to see someone from the old homestead."
River: "Not really. [to Simon] Call me if anyone interesting shows up." [Leaves]
Badger: [grinning] "I like her."

1x05 - Safe
River: "They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are."
Mal: "Is it bad that what she said made perfect sense to me?"

Zoe: "Cap'n'll come up with a plan."
Kaylee: "Well, that's good. Right?"
Zoe: "Possible you're not recalling some of his previous plans."

1x06 - Our Mrs. Reynolds
Inara: "So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?"
Mal: "Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There's a whole… airflow."
Inara: "And you'd know that because…?"
Mal: "You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery."
Inara: [laughs] "Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question."

Mal: "Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! Wife or no, you are no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right same as anyone to live and try to kill people."

 

1x07 - Jaynestown
Wash: "I think they captured him, though. Captured his essence."
Kaylee: "He looks sorta angry, don't he?"
Wash: "That's kinda what I meant."

[Shepherd Book prepares a meal as he absentmindedly addresses River.]Book: "What are we up to, sweetheart?"
River: "Fixing your Bible."
Book: "I, um... What?"
[Pan over to River, who works on a book with pens, brushes, and loose pages.]
River: "Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics... doesn't make sense."
Book:  No, no. You—you can't..."
River: "So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem."
Book: "Really?"
River: "We'll have to call it 'early quantum state phenomenon'. Only way to fit 5,000 species of mammals on the same boat."
Book: "River, you don't... fix the Bible."
River: "It's broken. It doesn't make sense."
Book: "It's not about... making sense. It's about believing in something. And letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you."


1x08 - Out of Gas
[Flashback to Mal's years-earlier encounter with three bandits, one of whom is Jayne.]
Marco: "Reason? He's gonna talk to us about reason now."
Jayne: "Yeah, that's a joke."
Mal: "Which one you figure tracked us?"
Zoe: "The ugly one, sir."
Mal: [nods, pauses] "Could you be more specific?"
Marco: "Do we look reasonable to you?"
Mal: "Well, looks can be deceiving."
Jayne: "Not as deceiving as a low-down... dirty... deceiver."
[Marco laughs]
Mal: "Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?"
Zoe: "Had a kind 'o poetry to it, sir."

[River peeks in on Book, who is reading his Bible.]
River: "Don't be afraid. That's what it says. Don't be afraid."
Book: "Yes."
River: "But you are afraid."
Book: "Yes."
River: "You're afraid we're going to run out of air, that we'll die gasping. But we won't. That's not going to happen. [Book looks up at her, hopefully.] We'll freeze to death first."

1x09 - Ariel
Wash: [to Inara] "Could you please tell my wife the fun she's missing out on?"
Inara: "Ariel's quite a nice place, actually. There are some beautiful museums, not to mention some of the finest restaurants in the core."
Wash: "But... not boring, like she made it sound."

[Mal and Zoe wheel out the medicine-laden containers.]
Wash: "How much did we get?"
Mal: "Enough to keep us flying."
Zoe: "Can we fly somewhere with a beach?"
Wash: "Maybe a naked beach?"
[Wash and Zoe go into a passionate embrace.]
Mal: "Cut it out! The job's not done till we're back on Serenity."
Zoe: "Sorry, sir. Didn't mean to enjoy the moment."

1x10 - War Stories
[River and Kaylee are running recklessly through the cargo bay. Inara and Mal are conversing on the stairs.]Mal: "Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots... [to River and Kaylee] SHUT UP! .... One of you is gonna fall and die, and I'm not cleaning it up!"

[Jayne and Book are working out in the cargo hold. Inara and the councilor are coming down the stairs; the two kiss, and the councilor exits the ship. Jayne shakes his head. Inara rolls her eyes as she catches Jayne staring, and climbs the stairs back to her shuttle.]
Jayne: "I'll be in my bunk."

Zoe: "Okay, people. If it moves, shoot it."
Kaylee: "Unless it's the captain!"
Zoe: "Unless it's the captain."

[Zoe, Wash, and Jayne come across Mal's struggle with his tormentor. Jayne raises his pistol, but Zoe stops him.]
Zoe: "Jayne. This somethin' the Captain has to do for himself."
Mal: No! No, it's not!"
Zoe: [surprised] Oh."
[They open fire, killing the torturer.]

1x11 - Trash 
Inara: "Well, since I can't seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!"
[An uncomfortable silence descends for a moment.]
Mal: "Petty?"
Inara: "I didn't mean petty."
Mal: "What did you mean?"
Inara: "Suo-SHEE?"
Mal: "...That's Chinese for "petty".

[Jayne is on the infirmary table, temporarily paralyzed after his spill.]
Jayne: [mumbling] "Is [s]pine okay?"
Simon: "How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?"
Jayne: [mumbling] "Das crazy talk."
Simon: "Then let's talk crazy. How much?"
[Jayne's eyes move toward the door.]
Jayne: [mumbling] "Anybody there? [River pokes her head in.] Anybody else?"
[Simon continues to work on Jayne as he talks.]
Simon: "No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I Will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe. 'Cause I'm your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way."
[He leaves. River pokes her head in again.]
River: "Also... I can kill you with my brain."

1x12 - The Message
Jayne: "I got post?"
Book: "Might we all want to step a few paces back before he opens that?"
Jayne: "Ha ha! It's from my mother."
[Inara and Kaylee catch up to the post-office crowd.]Inara: "So, do aliens live among us?"
Kaylee: "Yeah. One of them's a doctor."

[River to Simon after he is blown off by Kaylee.]
River: "You are such a boob."

1x13 - Heart of Gold
Kaylee: "Everyone's got somebody. Wash, tell me I'm pretty."
Wash: "Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion."
Kaylee: "'Cause I'm pretty?"
Wash: "'Cause you're pretty."

[Simon and Inara tend to Petaline during her contractions. River waits at her feet like a catcher.]
Inara: "How many babies have you actually delivered?"
Simon: "As the primary? This would be the first. You?"
Inara: "My first, too."
River: "Mine, too. ....Who do you think is in there?"

1x14 - Objects in Space 
Mal: "If I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor."
Simon: "You are talking to a doctor."

Wash: "Little River gets more colorful by the moment. What'll she do next?"
Zoe: "Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up."
Wash: "I hope she does the soup thing, it's always a hoot and we don't all die from it."

Mal: "Ugh. What the hell's goin' on here?"
River/Serenity: "I need you to do me a favor, captain."
Mal: "There was a guy. He was very blurry. You gotta be careful. Ugh. How come there's a guy on board and how come you're all of a sudden the ship?"
River/Serenity: "I know you have questions."
Mal: "That would be why I just asked them."
River/Serenity: "But there isn't a lot of time, captain. I need you to trust me."
Mal: "Am I dreamin'?"
River/Serenity: "We all are."
(Mal rolls his eyes)
River/Serenity: "Don't make faces."

Serenity (the movie)

Wash: "Well, if she doesn't get us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn-through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting."
Mal: "Define "interesting"?"
Wash: [deadpan] ""Oh, God, oh, God, we're all gonna die"?"
Mal: [over intercom] "This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then... explode."

Zoe: "Cap'n didn't make 'em fugitives."
Kaylee: "But he coulda made 'em family! 'Steada keepin' Simon from seein' I was there. And I carried such a torch, and we coulda... Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!"
Mal: [shocked] "Oh, God! I can't know that!"
Jayne: "I could stand to hear a little more."

Mal: "This report is maybe twelve years old. Parliament buried it, and it stayed buried till River dug it up. This is what they feared she knew. And they were right to fear because there's a whole universe of folk who are gonna know it, too. They're gonna see it. Somebody has to speak for these people. You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I’m asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything I know this, they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten, they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people…better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave."

Jayne: "Shepherd Book used to tell me, "If you can't do somethin' smart... do somethin' right.""

The Operative: "Do you know what your sin is, Mal?"
Mal: "Ah, hell, I'm a fan of all seven. But right now, I'm gonna have to go with wrath."

The awesomeness of quotes pt 12

Time for some more quotes. And the show I'm highlighting today is a strange one. Because I don't really love this sitcom the way I do TBBT or HIMYM... Why use this show then? Well, there's a simple reason. I think Kat Dennings rocks it! Her storyline is just completely crazy, but the writers of this show know how to keep it funny. A lot of these quotes are probably R-rated or something, seeing how there's not a subject that doesn't get mentioned. Like body parts, or actions... Well you know. Kat Denning's character, Max, is also very blunt and rude, but for some reason, I don't really care and I can laugh about most of it. I hope this was introduction enough if you don't know the show yet and if you already know it, you probably didn't need the intro, but here it is: This month's awesomeness of quotes of 2 Broke Girls. 

Season 1

1x01 - Pilot 
Max: [notices Caroline sleeping on the subway] "Hey."
Caroline: "I have a taser! [wakes up suddenly and tasers Max, who falls unconscious to the ground] Oh, my God. I am so sorry. I didn't think it would hurt so much. It's pink."
Max: "It didn't feel pink."
Caroline: "I didn't know it was you. I thought I was being raped."
Max: "That's not what rape feels like."

1x02 - And the Break-Up Scene
Caroline: "When I went to the cute coffee place, I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi—"
Max: "If someone named Nabulangi is making an appearance in the first sentence, I have to sit down."

1x03 - And the Strokes of Goodwill
Caroline: "Um, didn't you see me crying?"
Max: "Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France, you eat snails. You come here, you cry."
Caroline: "That's odd, you didn't even react. You need to react when people cry."
Max: "I did, I rolled my eyes. Look, eventually, you'll learn to do that on the inside."
Caroline: "Okay, well, just FYI, when I used to cry in front of my other girlfriends, they'd be like, "What you cryin' about, C-line? Look at you, girl, you're fierce, you got your glam on!""
Max: "Are your girlfriends black drag queens?"

1x04 And the Rich People Problems
Max: "What?! No way! No way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG!... Again, OMG! It's lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for."

1x06 - And the Disappearing Bed
Max: "Call him right now! He can't come over here. Look around! I have his napkins hanging up everywhere. He'll think I'm Dexter. [intercom buzzes] Don't answer that. Don't you..."
Caroline: [answering intercom] "Come on in, Johnny. [to Max] Yes, I did it. I need a bed."
Max: "You are so selfish!"
Caroline: "Yes, I'm selfish, and you're Dexter. So, quick... help me take down the napkins. Oh, God, there are so many! How come I never noticed how many there were before?"
Max: "I don't know. Same reason you didn't notice your father stealing everybody's money?"
Caroline: "Really? Really? Now when I'm helping you?"
Max: "You're right. We'll trash you later."

1x08 - And Hoarder Culture
Oleg: "Pick up. Table 10, table 12, table 69."
Caroline: "Oleg, there is no table 69."
Oleg: "There could be."
Caroline: "Oleg just sixty-nined me, and now I don't remember any of the table numbers."
Max: "Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us. Forget the table numbers. Here's how you remember your orders. You just give people nicknames. Look, I got Thin Cee Lo, Fat Rihanna, Jon Beret Ramsey, and Kristen Bad Wig."
Caroline: "Oh, okay. I got Seth Rogaine, Child Molester Moustache, and Lesbian Justin Bieber."

1x10 - And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving 
Max: "It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy."
Mary: "Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie."
Caroline: "Mine too!"
Mary: "My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life."
Caroline: "Mine too!"
Max: "I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray."
Mary: "Hi. I'm Mary."
Caroline: "I'm Caroline."
Mary: [turns to Max] "Hi. I'm Mary."
Max: "It's cool, we don't need to talk."

1x12 - And the Pop-Up Sale 
Han: "Don't forget to pick up customer comment card. Customers very important. It's all about the fans."
Max: "Yeah, I'm not a fan of hearing what people have to say. For instance, what's happening right now—not a fan."
Han: "Max, feedback from customers is very important business tool. Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude."
Max: "There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two AA batteries and a 20-minute break."

1x13 - And the Secret Ingredient 
Caroline: "I thought the cupcakes were homemade." Max: "They are, I make them in my home."
Caroline: "You've been using a boxed cake mix?"
Max: "Relax, I only use it when I'm tired. And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible."
Caroline: "So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?"
Max: "I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha. In fact, they should rename shame "keshame." "I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed.""




1x15 - And the Blind Spot 
Oleg: [comes out of the kitchen after learning Sophie was at the diner] "Kitchen was closed... But can now be open again for such a beautiful woman. Hello. I am the chef."
Max: "Oh, here we go. Ukraine's gonna try to invade Poland. It's double D-Day."
Caroline: "Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie."
Sophie: "I would like to have a plate with sausage on it while I look over the menu."
Oleg: "Yowza. You are like someone super-sized Victoria's Secret angel. I'd like to Gisele on your Bündchens."
Sophie: [hits Oleg in the crotch with a magazine] "You're gonna act like a dog, I'll treat you like a dog."

1x18 - And the One-Night Stands 
Max: "Dude, you and the webmaster have been talking "business" every day for a week. Is something going on there? Shouldn't the web be mastered by now?"
Caroline: "It's strictly business."
Max: "All right, but it's costing us $200. Might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo? Looks like he might have a big ol' hard drive with a lot of RAM."
Caroline: "Yeah, he's cute, but I don't want a relationship right now. And I don't do one-night stands."
Max: "All right, so don't stand. Lay down."
Caroline: "That's not me—the next morning, doing the walk of shame. I always see those girls with their messed-up sex hair, carrying their heels, clutching their coats to hide last night's outfit."
Max: "Going into Kinko's to use Google Maps so you can figure out where you are."
Caroline: "You really put the "ho" in "Kinko.""

1x19 - And the Spring Break 
Max: [to Steve and Michael, a gay couple] "I'll go grab some menus for you girls."
Caroline: "Max!"
Max: "Sorry. I'll go grab some menus for you ladies." [walks away] 
Michael: "Love her... So Madeleine Stowe in Revenge."
Steve: "Oh, she is."
Caroline: "I don't watch that."
Michael: "We love it. It's all about a young blonde woman who's out to seek revenge on everyone for destroying her family."
Caroline: "Yeah, too close to home."

1x21 - And the Messy Purse Smackdown
Max: [searching her purse] "Let's see. Phone, chapstick. A pill! Could be birth control, could be ecstasy. Waiting for a day off to find out. Why wait? [takes pill] If I start touching your hair in an hour, don't let me have sex with anyone."

1x23 & 1x24 - And Martha Stewart Have a Ball 
Caroline: [after Sophie finds an invitation to the Metropolitan Museum's annual gala in Caroline's hate mail] "This is my favorite social event in all of New York. I've gone every year since I was 18. It's a fashion ball at the Museum of Art— "
Max: "Yeah, I know what it is. I catered it last year."
Caroline: "Max, how weird. We were probably right in the very same room."
Max: T"hen there's a good chance I spit in your drink. Not really, unless you were acting all prissy and demanding."
Max and Caroline: "There's a good chance I/you spit in your/my drink."

Season 2

2x01 - And the Hidden Stash 
Caroline: [while on the phone] "My father wants to know if you'll come out to the prison and finally meet him."
Max: "Sure."
Caroline: "Great. We'll see you tomorrow. Bye." [hangs up] 
Max: "I'm not going."
Caroline: "What? Why'd you say yes?"
Max: "'Cause you never tell a man in prison "no," he could hang himself with his belt."

2x02 - And the Pearl Necklace 
Caroline: "Max, have you seen my phone? I wanna take a picture of this bad tip and put it on Instagram. Getting loose change used to be so depressing, but now I can share it with strangers."
Max: "Let me sum it up: Twitter is stupid, and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read."

2x04 - And the Cupcake War 
Janis: "Bring your own brand, just like you did on your home tape. [to Max] You're edgy with big boobs, [to Caroline] you're the try-hard."
Caroline: "I'm sorry, I'm the what?"
Janis: "That's your brand. The muscle and the hustle. The double-D's and the ditz." [leaves] 
Caroline: "I went to Wharton, I'm not a ditz."
Max: "Well, you ain't the double-D's. Can you believe she openly commented on m'goods?"

2x05 - And the Pre-Approved Credit Card 
Caroline: [going through the mail] "Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you."
Max: "Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife."

2x06 - And the Candy Manwich 
Max: "You should totally go for the hot guy."
Caroline: "Or you can go for him. Let's think about this. He's clean and not a drug addict, so he's more my type."
Max: "Well, he's got a store full of candy and a penis, so he's more my type."


2x08 - And the Egg Special 
Caroline: [seeing the blood spatter on the walls of the soup kitchen] Oh, my God! 
Andy: Oh, that's really gross! 
Max: That's the greatest thing I've ever seen! Take a picture of me over here. I finally have a reason to join Instagram! People are gonna be like, "Food, food, cat, food, nails, nails, murder?!"

2x09 - And the New Boss 
[Max walks in on Caroline and Andy having sex after hearing Caroline shrieking] 
Caroline: "What are you doing?!"
Max: "I forgot Andy was here! And your sex voice is the same as your murder voice!"
Caroline: "So are you just gonna stand there?"
Max: "Are you offering me a threeway? [Intercom buzzes] Well, it looks like we're about to be a full-blown orgy."

2x10 - And the Big Opening 
Caroline: "You're using our launch party to get back at ex-boyfriends?"
Max: "Uh, yeah! That's what success is for, to say "suck it" to people who dumped you. "See my blown-out hair? Suck it! See my cool cupcake shop? Suck it! See these in this blouse? You wish you could suck it.""

Robbie: "I'm an alcoholic now, and I did a lot of stuff that wasn't cool, and I came here because the program says that I have to make almonds."
Max: ""Almonds"? You mean "amends"?"
Robbie: "Cool. So, look, I cheated on you behind your back, like, every day."
Max: "Well, um, we don't have to go into all this now, it's kind of a big night for me."
Robbie: "And I stole money from you too, like, every time we had sex."
Max: "But we had a lot of sex."
Robbie: [chuckles] "I know. Well, I stole a lot of money."
Max: "Well, this just went from "suck it" to "it sucks," so lift up your shirt. I gotta get something out of tonight [Robbie lifts up his shirt and Max inhales sharply] Money well spent. [walks outside to talk to Caroline] Just found out I paid for more sex than an Arab businessman."

2x11 - And the Silent Partner 
Max: [about Andy] "He was about to tell you he loves you."
Caroline: "What?"
Max: "Just now, in the hall, and ice rink. He's been trying to tell you all week."
Caroline: "But I've been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra Bullock in The Proposal. So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink? The one in Central Park?"
Max: "Yes, while having cocoa and splitting a hot dog."
Caroline: "Oh, my God! That's, like, my dream "I love you" scenario! Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Max: "Because when it comes to other people's creepy love stuff, that's when I'm a silent partner. And you need to stop with this creepy rom-com stuff, life isn't like a movie. Sometimes you're not a success right away. Sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake. And sometimes you have to take your "I love you" whichever way it comes."
Caroline: "You are so right. I don't have to wait for the moment to be perfect, like it was for Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. My life's not a romantic comedy, I can do it my own way. Like Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding."

2x12 - And the High Holidays 
Caroline: "Andy offered to pay our rent, but I said no." 
Max: "That is the whitest thing I've ever heard."
Caroline: "It was really sweet of him, but I didn't wanna take money from a man I'm sleeping with."
Max: "Wait, are you telling me there are women who don't take money from men they're sleeping with?"

2x13 - And the Bear Truth
Caroline: [brings Andy a birthday cupcake with a candle atop it] "Happy birthday! Now come on, blow." 
Andy: "I don't really feel like doing that."
Max: "Welcome to our world."

2x14 - And Too Little Sleep
Caroline: "Oh, God, he's coming back. See what you started with your wave?" 
Max: "I'm sorry, my hand is friendly. Ask any guy in high school."

2x17 - And the Broken Hip
Caroline: "How are we gonna get 1,000 extra dollars by Monday? Wait, Max, we can go to that bar and exploit your special gifts."
Max: "If I have to strip, I have to strip."
Caroline: "Not that kind of bar, the hipster trivia bar."
Max: "Can't I just strip? At least I'd still have my dignity."

2x18 - And Not-So-Sweet Charity
Caroline: [about her seagull cup] "You hid it and kept it all these years?" 
Aunt Charity: "Yep." 
Caroline: "Why would you wanna hurt me like that?"
Max: [sucking on a morphine lollipop] "It's obvious. She's obsessed with her brother, and she saw your being born as his love being taken away from her. Damn, this thing makes me smart!"

2x19 - And the Temporary Distraction
Max: "You think you're a failure? 'Cause I think we did amazing." 
Caroline: "The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face." 
Max: "Lots of things blow up in your face, it's part of being a woman. You just... towel off and keep going."

2x21 - And the Worst Selfie Ever 
Caroline: "I'm gonna text Andy for another booty call, and maybe this time we can go out and have a booty breakfast." 
Max: "As president of the Casual Sex Society, local chapter, I call bull on your booty." 
Caroline: "What? It's a booty call." 
Max: "Not with you it isn't. You think that booty breakfast will maybe lead to a booty dinner then maybe booty engaged and booty married and have a couple booty kids and a booty retirement home and then booty die together."

2x24 - And the Window of Opportunity
Caroline: "Sorry I'm late, I was having my nails done. It's the first time I stopped moving in two years, and I fell asleep." 
Max: "You had money to get your nails done? Question: Was prostitution as disgusting as you thought it would be?" 
Caroline: "Han paid for it." 
Max: "Oh, so it was worse."

 That's it for now ;-)